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A Living Grieving

November 18, 2017

Yesterday was the day my sister called her 'happy day'. It was also the day that I lost my 'first sister', and started to live with an ongoing bereavement that took many years to be able to understand and talk about. It was the day she had an operation to remove a brain tumour, that would not just take away a tumour, but so much of the person that I knew her to be.

 

It took a good 12 years for me to understand and be ok with the fact she called it her 'happy day'. She called it that because that operation and the following treatment stopped the cancer from taking her fully away - it gave her longer with us. But for me, it just reminded me of the damage the cancer did.

For her, it was a day to be thankful for.

For me, it was a day I'd rather avoid.

 

It was only when I was finally able to talk about the pain and loss I had experienced in losing the sister I knew and the friendship we once had, losing the normality of our family life, time with my parents and the guilt I carried for even thinking these things, that I allowed myself to see things more clearly from her perspective too. It was only when I was able to accept the loss of the sister that I once had, that I was able to embrace the 'new' sister that she was, and start to build that relationship again.

 

So many siblings and parents face ongoing bereavements - big and small when a child in the family has needs that require more time and attention and resources than imagined. Lets be people that enable parents and each child in these families to have these honest conversations - acknowledge and mourning the loss of what was, to then be able to see and embrace the beauty in what is now.

 

Here's a poem I wrote a few years back as I processed the loss that I had lived with. I hope it can help others in similar situations process and talk about the experiences they have faced.

 

 

A Living Grieving

                 

Acceptance

Bereavement

Guilt

             What do they really mean?

 

Isolation & loneliness

          No-one truly understands.

                             Hurt from being misunderstood,

Closing down; not taking the risk to be vulnerable again.

 

Responsibility

           Making Kate’s life better

           Not making parents’ life harder

           For my sister and brother too.

 

Searching & Yearning

           Longing for my old sister back

                           the person she would have been

                           full of life, joy, energy, passion, fun, sporty, competitive, a leader.

 

Frustrated

           Her limitations

           Other’s lack of understanding

           The unfairness of it all

           Her ongoing medical issues

                                      And my failings.

 

Guilt

           For wanting attention myself

           For not being a ‘better’ more compassionate sister

           For not doing more to help her and my parents

           For being selfish

 

Anger

           At God for letting it happen

           At the cancer and treatment for all the lasting effects

           At the system for leaving me out

           At people who have not understood

           At myself for where I have messed up, or not let go.

 

Denial

           Not wanting to know

           Too much to deal with

           Only could handle my own struggles.

 

Acceptance

           What does it mean?

 

To accept myself – faults & all

To let go of my frustration, anger & guilt

            to acknowledge I felt them and that is ok

            to work out why I did,

                              then let them melt away.

To be thankful for all that my sister and I had

           Those 8 years of life

                                formative & fun

To realise that that’s gone & that it’s ok

           I have a new sister

           She’s been her 15 years

           But been growing and becoming,

                                   just as I have been too.

To get to know the person Kate has become

  be thankful for who God’s given us –

            for the Katie that Katie is now.

 

(L Bryson, 2009)

 

 

 

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